Finally, the weather is warm enough that I don’t need a jumper and we can have the back door open. It’s gorgeous today, a bit windy up here, but absolutely gorgeous and it is making me feel better about life at large.
It’s closing on the end of the year and… I’m sick, again.
Off work with lots of time to kill today and I can tell you that with 3 months to go 2017 has been one hell of a ride.
- Sick – all year. I’ve been constantly sick.
- Except for that one time when I was pregnant… Ah, that’s kind of ongoing. It’s nice to know I hadn’t suffered through weeks of nausea for nothing though ;p
- Inflamed medial nerve – hey presto, we know what’s wrong with my hands and how to take care of them.
- MARRIAGE! I’m married and holy fuck is that a mind trip. Honestly it’s changed nothing and everything all at the same time.
- Lipstick – didn’t really become a happening thing. Go back to the sick part. When getting out of bed is a literal nightmare then makeup is the last thing you give a shit about.
- Reading – thanks to being sick I have actually done a fair bit of this. I have also found some new comics I really like recently.
- PUPPY! Ok so he’s 8, but we welcomed the beautiful Kovu to the family just after Easter 2017 and the big goof has fitted right in. We have some minor behavioural issues to work on – someone likes to bark at all the passing trucks and cars for several hours of a morning – but overall it’s gone really well. He’s a very polite, but super cheeky boy.
- Depression has been neither a winning nor losing battle. My meds can’t keep up with current lack of sleep and hormonal changes, but I’ve come a massively long way since I started therapy and I having coping mechanisms in place that I never thought I would.
- Home continues to go well. We have all the patio areas in and I started staining the plinths for under the last section of fencing to go in. Once we’ve done that we can look at grass and then gardens. It’s been a long slow process with My Wolf’s ongoing travel for work.
- PREGNANCY! The latest in a long list of things shaking up my world. I’m now 22 weeks pregnant. I have a very normal and healthy baby growing inside me and a great Obstetrician and GP taking care of me. Not to mention all the love and patience from my husband… and god does he need patience, because perpetual exhaustion does not sit well with me, and I am currently the grumpiest human being ever.
- 1 year at my job… today I think or soon.
So yeah, if 2017 could refrain from throwing any more huge things at me that would be fucking awesome. I’d like 2018 to maybe be a little bit calmer? Newborn aside.
It’s 8am, my head hurts and I’m a level of exhausted reserved for those both pregnant and sick at the same time.
Outside the sun is shining, the air looks relatively warm, and I should want to garden or something. Instead I would like to go back to bed, because I had to get up at 6am to let the dog out of the garage to go to the toilet.
There was a 16 year old standing in the kitchen listening to him bark and whine to be let out, but apparently it’s too fucking hard for a kid of that age to walk across the room, let the cat into my room, and then let the dog out. So I got up and dealt with it.
So I’m sick. I’m exhausted. And I’ve been up for 2 hours.
Let’s call this ‘training for motherhood’ rather than ‘seeing how far I can be pushed before I lose my shit entirely’.
I have tried to keep posts here regular, baby free, and longish… succeeded on baby free, but to be honest baby is eating my life and that’s ok.
So I’m changing that.
If you don’t want to read about pregnancy and babies, then don’t read the posts tagged ‘pregnancy’ or ‘Rabbit’ and go do something that interests you. Short, random, probably uninteresting posts incoming.
I spend a lot more time online these days than I’m really comfortable with.
It’s definitely a habit more than a necessity, one born of years of depression, anxiety and the fatigue that both bought on. For a while online contact was pretty much all I had and now it is habit to just pick up my phone and check Facebook and tumblr…
Tumblr isn’t something I’d think of us too much a loss if it shut down tomorrow, but Facebook… over the years I’ve built up a small network of wonderful international friends. I’d miss them terribly if I didn’t have the contact of Facebook,
There’s no point to this post. Just musing.
I have spent most of today crying.
I cried because I couldn’t get the dog to calm down. I cried because I hadn’t gotten the kitchen fully cleaned. I cried because a layer of dust had settled over the couch again after I spent half an hour cleaning it last night thanks to the high winds today. I cried because I hadn’t cleaned our bedroom. I cried because I almost blew up the vacuum just before I finished vacuuming. I cried because the dining room table hadn’t been done (and it won’t be tonight).
I have felt like a complete failure from beginning to end.
Somewhere in there I realised that, as terrible as today has been for me emotionally, over all I cry a lot less these days. The support of my loving mate, the medication and doctors, and the encouragement of friends and family, have pulled me out of the black hole I used to live in everyday.
A few minutes ago I came to another realisation. The reason being so truly overwhelmed really, really, REALLY sucks so much worse than it used to is because it is now so rare. It’s not something I live with on a day to day basis…
And that’s nice.
And now I’m gonna eat my ice cream, clean my dinner dishes and go to bed, because today has truly sucked.
So we’re now at the point where I feel safe putting this out to the larger world and not just my friends and family. The reason behind all that nausea was:
My stomach is rotating between on fire and rolls of nausea.
My head is hosting a very mild headache that I’d be able to ignore if it hadn’t been there for a week.
I am physically exhausted and feel like I’m made of lead.
Yes, I am seeing the doctor about this. A few more tests to be done to see what is causing this particular round of feeling disgusting, but I wanna whinge and it’s my blog so there!