A depressing lack of agency

So I’m back on meds. It sucks, new prescription means new side effects.

I. Am. So. Fucking. EXHAUSTED!

Like no shit, come home and go to sleep if I allow myself/am able to lie down most days since I started. Otherwise it goes well.

I talked to my psych about it briefly, and about how stressed the idea of permanently being on them made me. She was asking why I was afraid of it, and I couldn’t answer because the question didn’t seem right.

I finally figured it out the other day.

I’m not afraid of being on the drugs for life, that’s not it. What eats me is the lack of agency. I can’t do this without them. I can’t function without them. I don’t have a choice. I hate that. The idea that I have to be on them… that I might always have to be them makes me internally scream.

No choice. No agency. No other options.

It’s not about fear at all.

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2 thoughts on “A depressing lack of agency

  1. Sunday

    Hello friend….we are speaking of psychology. Meds.. correct..my opinion is for you..if on psychology meds ..just stop.find other methods to cope.u don’t know me.but I speak from a place of knowing…knowledge ..I pill is not always a solution.i personally suffer from addiction..not easy to admitt.because I’m respected.. I also have high blood pressure..there are holistic ways of dealing an functioning… For me I study an read.alot sometimes it’s a system overload tht will drive me to ..smoking a sedative so strong I tap out…how is this conducive.. to my path.. dear friend it’s a struggle a life long process.ive found studying my own psychology..my own self as a science.nature us the cure to all .. chakras. Never western methods.they only want us to keep thinking we need them… It’s a big business…..making us believe we need there medicine their customs their way of life.dear friend sit with u.get with you.the answer is always with in…. Trust ur intuition…become ur science an heal u.if ur problem is emotional..or past hurts.a pill is not a cure.but a temporary..fix..u got u for life not temporary… Ur friend Sunday evening.. I love you.friend..peace an love always….

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    • Bones

      I have left this sitting in my inbox for quite a while…

      The only response I have to you is that this shit you’re spouting is the shit that gets people killed. It’s the shaming shit that stops people seeking appropriate help when they need it and makes those of us who do so feel bad for doing what’s necessary to survive.

      My lack of agency aside? A few weeks later I am a functioning adult who can take care of themselves, their partner and their kids, manage their job and their studies again. Do I like the pills? No. Are they very necessary to my survival? Yes. I tried eastern medicine first. I still meditate, do yoga, exercise and eat well amongst other things. The pills were my last stop, not my first. And the pills are still needed.

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