So I’m back on meds. It sucks, new prescription means new side effects.
I. Am. So. Fucking. EXHAUSTED!
Like no shit, come home and go to sleep if I allow myself/am able to lie down most days since I started. Otherwise it goes well.
I talked to my psych about it briefly, and about how stressed the idea of permanently being on them made me. She was asking why I was afraid of it, and I couldn’t answer because the question didn’t seem right.
I finally figured it out the other day.
I’m not afraid of being on the drugs for life, that’s not it. What eats me is the lack of agency. I can’t do this without them. I can’t function without them. I don’t have a choice. I hate that. The idea that I have to be on them… that I might always have to be them makes me internally scream.
No choice. No agency. No other options.
It’s not about fear at all.